Philosophical reflections

Philosophical reflections of a forty eight year old peri-menopausal woman, mother of two teenagers, PA of family, learning support assistant, worn out and exhausted wife ……with exhausted husband ……trying, trying and ……oh I’m sooooo tired of trying to manage a job which manages people and a family , money, life, dog, dinner oh and thats right just caring about people and finally yes !!! Managing myself !!

A middle aged woman….pondering life questions of :

How do we have a career, be a good parent …..yet live on a farm, grow vegetables and pat baby animals ?

How do we have money for a tropical holiday with daily massages, yet can’t afford a $400 a week food shop of pasta and chocolate at Aldi ?

How do we earn more money to have said holiday on tropical

Island ?

How do we have better sleep when our teenagers make cakes at 11pm and the dog sleeps on our head ?

How do we get more exercise when we are soooooo tired from the dog sleeping on our heads and the teenagers having a life ?

Self understanding ….

Awake at 4.00 OMG I have just had an epic moment of clarity and a full essay in my head (and a cramp in my leg )ironic considering it used to take me days if not weeks, as a beer swilling uni student, to write a 500 word essay.

In fact a full circle has occurred in my life and I finally have the words and language to write and articulate my thoughts and ramble on . Maybe this is what they call self understanding ?

My life flashing back before my eyes….a younger me…staring blankly at a maths question looking, looking, trying, trying but to no avail . My brain saying to my hand “ write, write faster arghhh just bloody well write!! Write faster, write neater “

Essays at uni with arrows, codes, stars, crossings out and illegible handwriting, which could barely be deciphered even by myself to much frustration! Trying, trying to create some sort of beautiful piece of writing but alas days later feeling utterly exhausted, reading it back with a feeling of disappointment. “ That doesn’t make sense …that is not at all what I meant, I didn’t write that ! “

There was a will inside me of trying to learn and understand, yet a constraint put on myself by my lack of skill and support and may be a slight perfectionism and maybe a bit of a compulsive nature and stubbornness to prove something to someone. Perhaps my music lecturer whose bullshit and inauthenticity I saw past.

With a slight, yet quiet rebelliousness I hated maths, hated science, hated anything that I didn’t understand, but with this hate was a passion and hidden desire to understand why ?? What was the purpose of this information and where did it fit in to the world ???

This experience was not helped by the fact my chemistry teacher at school had a severe body odour problem which meant when he leaned across the table reciting the periodic table, we would all hold our noses and mouths practically suffocating !

I spent my school years thinking “ what is the point of learning all this stuff , but don’t speak out ! just do it or you might get hit by a wooden flying board rubber. !”

Quite unlike my teenagers who quite openly say what they think about their teachers, school friends and their lack of clean underpants and food!

Inside of me I knew I was no idiot but on the outside I felt at times treated like one by the world around me.

So …. Moving on 30 years I now know the words for the things I could never describe…..

The skills I always had, but couldn’t articulate. I have learnt them through following a pathway which I chose unintentionally, yet instinctively, in a bid to understanding myself and yet also with a relentless driving passion to see change and feel joy in seeing a beaming child’s face laughing when they understood.

And along this pathway I have collected many funny moments with students and colleagues along the way which I may try to document at some point in the future should I remember them.

Full circle - from being my own toughest critic. A person with compassionate curiosity, a melting heart and a deep sense of knowing and feeling that can at times be slightly unbearable. I have met some amazing, wise, beautiful, kind, passionate, articulate and strong people women who I can call my friends. Women who have lived life, have many stories, women who have loved and given every ounce of their hearts and souls as a contribution to the world .

Finally, I have learnt the words to articulate the many thoughts that ping pong endlessly around my snow globe brain ….currently it seems between 3-5 am in the morning, for the last 3 months !!! In a bid to end this or maybe start something I have decided to write them down.

Endless amounts of notes on the kitchen bench (now I know why my Mum did that) post it notes on my computer, bullet pointed notes , emails and texts to myself, notes on my phone, photos, videos and god only knows what else to remind myself …..I finally have the words to articulate my thoughts.

Full circle - I see you ..I see you the children who struggle to find the words!

I see you… children who can not articulate their thoughts and feelings and their frustrations. Frustrations that burn from a lack of understanding.

What was my pathway to understanding ? To be continued ….

I have the privilege and the ability of writing this down. So you can read my handwriting ! I have spell check and coffee and emojis !

Sometimes I am stuck going around in the circle of life but this week I will take on the venture of writing in order to unstick myself.

Frustrations will not pin me down but propel me forward into change.